She passed away. Just like that.

She attended training on wed with the rest of the club as usual, water PT it was. After laps and laps in the pool, everybody went on to have dinner together. She decided not to join them and parted from the group, for the last tme.

She was pronounced dead on thurs morning, 11am.

As puzzling as some others, she too, had left behind signs that she had been preparing for departure. Troubling goodbye messages, goodbye nick on msn... But why?

Back to school !

The snappish-ness's over for now. I attribute it to attachment stress taking over my head. It's over now, but I need to psych myself up in preparation for the upcoming 8-week placement.

Semester has began, quite happy and relieved to be back in the comfort zones of friends. Assignments, presentations, group work come piling as usua within the 1st week of school. I actually feel better, more focused this semester as I shift more focus away from the extre-curricular activities & more towards my academic. It's a matter of a couple of 2-3 months, activities should drip a bit more, with less brain-draining activities in water sports club matters. And, yeah ! Heh heh..

O.T. project group and topic is out, our group dismayed at the sound of our topic. But, we have picked up from there and resoluted to work on it, to make this paper as painless as possbile for everyone attending our O.T. conference.

I kinda enjoy the training-less routine I have, less aching and fatigued muscles (do I even have muscles now? haha...), more concentration during class. BUT, I miss it's people! The kinda cold jukes that is around, the light-heartedness off training, and not forgetting its warm, caring and welcoming hearts.

I think I shall go back to training as much as possible after TP 3. Which is next Tues. Haiz, I cant wait to start driving. Why am I still learning to drive instead of busy ferrying people around? With already 2 experience, chances of having performance anxiety should be markedly reduced ba. We shall see bout that !

This little starfish of mine :-)

I'm kinda sore... The $79.90 top that my darl bought for me as a surprise gift at 3rd month went 30% off. Man... Anyway, that's not the main topic.

This is the tribute part II. Haha..

I shall never forget the day when my words were fallen on deaf ears, in a positive light. It was a beautiful Monday morning, My starfish was not scheduled for work. It could have been really easy to sleep the morning away in order to catch up on his well-deserved rest (afterall, he deserves his rest cos he works till late on weekends).

On this particular sunday night, he slept later than usual, to whipped up a packet of fried bee hoon for my breakfast the next day. He struggled to keep himself busy till morning, so that he wouldn't fall asleep and miss my time to leave for work. Though he did sleep in the end, it was for a mere 1 hr plus. Upon waking up, it was time for him to head to serangoon north to pick his sea sponge for attachment.

I am that luckiest piece of sea sponge in the world !

After washing up in the toilet, my father found a tired but sweetest-looking starfish at our door step with a packet of fried been hoon he prepared himself. He had headed from home (in the east) to my home at 6am. And later all the way up west to send me to my attachment place. All the while beating the heavy morning traffic and fighting fatigue. He even made sure he was there for me (right beside his phone waiting for my call during lunch time) to hear about the all-anticipated & dreaded evaluation.

In so many occasions, he had touched me with his little gestures of thoughtfulness, that showed that I had been on his mind a lot more often that I know. Me, on the other hand, tend to be ignorant and negligent to his needs at times, that I unknowingly hurt him. I'm working on it though! By thinking of him more before I make decisions, by paying more attention to his feelings & needs & more aware of feelings of my own (there are times when I face mood swings w/o being aware of them, it hurts him, and that's sucky).

BANSAI-YO !

Running together

Dear baby, I didn't mean to be so negative to tell you that I want to trip, fall and die (leaving you to continue alone), when we are meant to be our marathon together. Now, with my mind clear (of attachement stress, assignments...etc...), I can tell you, I want to continue running hand-in-hand with you. Be there to help you up when you fall, just like you always do when I fall.

A pampered little child

On Friday, sensing my spirit, my new friend asked me to go for a drink to chill out. We extended the invitiation to 2 other therapists to join us. The outing (dinner and dessert) @ Holland Village was really nice, we chatted and cracked stupid jokes. Really chill, really relaxed with these people who are real, sincere and accepting. That helped a lot lifting a heavy heart. N throughout the whole time, I was not allowed to pay a single cent. So pampered...

For What ? Okay.

"When's are you going back to school?"

"Next week. Isn't that great? Heh Heh..."

"Can I have your contact?"

"For what?"

"To make friends lor. :) "

"Hmmm. Okay. ---- ----"

I don't mind making more friends.

When my new friend asked if I was worried that dear dear would be upset, I told her no, he's confident, self-assured of himself. Never have I thought I could be so wrong...

I got so confused during our disagreement and I cannot forget the spiteful words...

I wasn't alone in feeling hurt, upset and sleepless that nite.

I went to hospital with goldfish puffy eyes. Despite that, I greet patient my sunshine smile & usual morning greeting. The eyes were very obvious but I hope I did managed mask the eyes, the hurt, and the heavy heart with my smile.

A new friend found

I've been really fortunate to have a kind smiling face to look forward to at the end of the day, since mid week 3 of my 6-week placement. Someone who had been always more than willing to listen, to advise, to care & share despite her own share of problems.

That's more what I define of a healthcare professional.

I don't think a healthcare professional is someone who says: "If patient is going to cry, then don't ask anymore. Don't make the patient cry. RIGHT?".

RIGHT MY FOOT !!!!

Haven't you learnt in school? Therapeutic use of self. If my patient has to cry, he/she has to cry. I'll be there for them to cry on, for them to lean on, and face issues with them. Not run away from tears (and the underlying problems !!).

At least nearing the end, I found a soul mate. I am thankful for her being there. She showed me more qualities of what healthcare workers should possess than that you ever did. I felt empathy, acceptance, and genuine care. She did things out of her heart, not b'cos it's her job. That made a world of difference.

=THANK HER FOR BEING THERE=

Fallen on deaf ears

I tried to phase things as diplomatic as I could. I needed some sensitivity from you to understand some difficulties that I had to go through. I sat there, I spoke, and at the end of the day, I felt as though I hadn't. That sucked.

What the ?!?

This is the story of Mdm O.

Mdm. O. is a 69-yr-old lady, highly independently and community ambulant.

On the fateful morning of 22nd June, she woke ard 6 plus am to go to the toilet. On standing, she felt giddy, and subsequently fell beside her bed. She managed to help herself onto the bed and found that she was unable to bear weight on left leg. Her daughter-in-law admitted her to the hospital, and she was diagnosed with (L) intertrochanteric fracture. Earlier on 18th june, she had just been discharged for hypoglycaemia.

I had been planning my treatment plan to that of a typical hip fracture pathway, you had been with me. My treatment plan, implementing my treatment session, and my presentation slides (it must have been at least 4 times that I showed them to you) later on...I saw this patient for 4 sessions, we worked on dressing, functional mobility, functional single-leg standing, falls prevention strategies, and she was subsequently discharged to a community hospital.

During presentation, I didn't mind being bombarded ceaselessly with questions, b'cos I understand that everybody wanted to facilitate my learning (reasoning...etc.). Later on, I went aside and broke down, not b'cos I couldn't accept feedback. What I simply couldn't take it was the countless balant loopholes in my treatment and clinical reasoning, was only picked up on the last week of my attachment!!!

It made me really ponder, what have I been doing? We're dealing with people here!!! Aren't you supposed to be watching over me? How this happen!?!? Her diabetes's poorly controlled for goodness's sake ! That's why she fell !! Why wasn't such a primary issue addressed? Why didn't I speak to the diabetic nurse ?!? Argh !!! I feel for the people I see, that's why I'd be hard on myself for this error. Haven't you learnt, "Above all (healthcare ethics), cause no harm!?!".

Fish n Co., Chix & Ribs, Flat Bread anyone?

This is a day that I must never forget.

I had no idea what exactly was going through my head, but everything simply seemed wrong. It's only after the outburst, and having seen hurt and confusion written all over his innocent face, THEN, I became more aware of the cognitive process going on in my head.

For the first time in a good-happy 4 months, I threw my temper at someone who means the world to me. For no apparent rhyme or reason really...

We met up for lunch after my usual share of sunday chores @ home. Suntec... what do we have here... food court? Sizzler? Kenny Roger's? Fish n Co. ? Tony Roma's? Alritey, let's go for Fish n Co. today. N we headed for that...

Outside Fish N Co., "Shall we have baby back ribs instead?"

"Oh, okay." So we headed for Tony Roma's.

Probably sensing my restlessness, he tried to please me by giving in to what I want. For instance, "you wanted chicken, besides the ribs, let's have chicken too.", it just seems to irritate me more. "I don't mind not having it, dear."

After the order was placed, I suggested, "Y don't we have this and that instead?".

With the patient little lady taking orders waiting for us, we went through another rouund of indecisiveness. N finally placed the orders.

Something got into me, "This is not the first time when we make the waitress wait while we decide, I don't like it when this happens. I prefer that we decide on our food before getting the waitress to come. I don't like to make them wait.".

"I know how irritating that feels to be made to wait too, I work @ my parents' you know. Maybe I should improve on that, but I have already decided on something when you decided to change the orders...(hurt in those innocent eyes)"

(Oh right. Oops.) Came the bread, he naturally took the initiative to cut the small loaf. (He's squashing the bread flat with the way he's cutting it. Argh... I hate to eat flat bread.)

"Hey-hey! I'll do it." I reached out to take over. (what-is-going-on look)

"I don't like to eat flat bread."

As the food came, both of us ate our food. I didn't feel good seeing the hurt look on his face, I tried to keep track with what was going on in my mind, and attempted to comprehend why I was behaving that way. I searched hard for answers, and found none. I just felt vexed and was just being difficult. Memories of the past relationship came floating back into my head. I shouldn't have snapped at him...Argh !!! What on earth was I thinking?!?

I apologised and explained myself out (I'm probably stressed, hungry & grouchy, didn't mean to throw temper at him. I feel really awful about making him go through this.). This little starfish of mine was alrite, he recognised that we are only human to have tempers. He commented that he had never seen me like this and he thinks he shouldn't spoil me by trying to please me.

I couldn't agree with him more, Chippy n pig pig always know it when I'm being difficult, grouchy n snapish. What do they do? Just leave me alone. "Dearie, next time, just leave me alone, n I'll be alrite. Don't try to please, I'll only be more difficult.". This closes a chapter in our relationship. The next chapter begins...I must not forget this, b'cos, if I hurt him this way again, I will feel even worse when I see his hurt and confused face (guilt & self-blame n all...).